Those Christmas Lights
by Ibelieveinsam
Summary: Post 10x09: It's the Christmas season but Sam can hardly focus on the holiday as he is very concerned about Dean's actions and the Mark of Cain. He also must deal with the fact that Dean isn't talking. Will a terrible accident and memories of a past Christmas finally bring the brothers together?
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Merry Christmas! I hope everyone had a great Christmas and is anticipating the new year. Here it is, my Christmas story. This story takes place in season 10, right after the events in the midseason finale so after episode 10x09. Obviously there are spoilers up until that point. Also this story intertwines with the past and that portion of the story takes place after the events in After School Special. I'm so sorry if that sounds confusing but both stories are connected and it should make sense. The title of this story comes from the lyrics of the song "Christmas Lights" by Coldplay. I hope you enjoy. Reviews, as always, are so very appreciated. Thank you!

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><p>Those Christmas Lights<p>

_Christmas night, another fight__  
><em>_Tears, we cried a flood-_Coldplay

Dean Winchester stared at the still form of his brother in the hospital bed, a mess of wires and electrodes covering his body while a machine did the breathing for him. Out in the hallway, Christmas lights danced and twinkled across the nurses' station, the cheerful atmosphere outside such a sharp contrast to the bleak one in Sam's tiny hospital room. Dean sat back in his chair and watched his brother for any sign of life. He couldn't believe this was happening again.

24 Hours earlier…

Sam listened as the sound of Bruce Springsteen singing "Santa Claus is Coming To Town" filled his ears and he sighed deeply, out of frustration or anger. He wasn't sure which but maybe it was actually both. Dean was shutting him out again and this felt all too reminiscent of the time after their dad died, when he suggested they talk about Dean considering making a deal with a demon to bring their father back from the dead. It was a dark time for both of them, and he recalled his own heartache but he had pushed it aside to be strong for Dean. Much like how he was currently pushing his own guilt aside, about Lester and the things he had done in the name of finding his brother. However, Dean didn't want to talk about it then and he certainly didn't want to talk now.

Sam wished he hadn't even brought up the topic at all, but it was hanging over their head like a storm cloud threatening to pour down on them at any moment. He was worried about Dean, worried about what the mark was doing to him, and worried each time Dean made a kill, or an overkill as it seemed lately. He'd be damned if he was going to watch his brother die in front of him again, or become a demon. He'd rather die first and in fact he _would,_ in a heartbeat, for Dean.

He couldn't erase the image from his mind of Dean standing in the middle of that living room, bodies surrounding him, a bloody blade in his hand.

"Just tell me it was you or them," he had said.

Dean could barely form words to respond.

He wasn't angry with Dean but petrified of losing his brother again completely. Even Cas had stared at Dean in fear, looking at him like he didn't even know him. They had barely talked after the incident, getting Cas and Claire to safety. Cas wasn't with them any longer. They had just dropped him off, as he wanted to spend some time with Claire for the holiday season. They had helped him search for Claire's mother as well as any known relatives of the Novak's right after they blew out of town. It had proved to be a meaningful distraction at the time from facing what Dean had done. They thought they had found a distant cousin of Jimmy and Cas opted to go with Claire to see her. He couldn't tell if the angel was doing it for Claire's sake or his own, a means to escape the tense situation.

"Be careful, Sam," Cas had said to him. Sam could tell it was meant more than just a way to say goodbye, and as a warning. He was afraid. However, Sam wasn't afraid _of _Dean, more like afraid _for _him.

He also was concerned about Dean's words to Cole, about how he saw himself, how he thought so little of himself. Dean claimed to be telling Cole what he wanted to hear but Sam knew it was a lie. Dean didn't think he was worth saving. He knew that the influence of the mark combined with Dean's low self worth were a volatile combination. Sam bit his lip anxiously, wishing he could get through to his brother. He needed to know if Dean was okay but each time he spoke up, the volume went up. The situation had only grown worse since Dean had killed the loansharks. Each time Sam even opened his mouth, Dean tuned him right out.

He stared over at his brother who was absentmindedly singing along and drumming one hand against the dash. Sam didn't think Dean would be so into a Christmas song but it was classic rock anyway. It was good to see Dean acting like himself, driving and getting into the music, just as it had been nice before to see Dean laughing hysterically over the Three Stooges. However, he couldn't truly embrace these moments because he knew this was part of the wall Dean was putting up around him, the one that was ultimately keeping him out. He watched as the houses swished by him, some a blur of Christmas lights as a light mist of rain covered the Impala's windshield and he let his mind wander.

Didn't Dean realize that if anyone knew what it was like to feel impure, like a monster, not worth saving that it was him? He _always_ felt like that. Why wouldn't his brother talk to him? Dean had to know that everything wasn't always so black and white.

_Everyone is worth saving._

Suddenly Sam found himself thinking back to when he learned that lesson firsthand, from Father Avery, when the questions he already had in his mind turned into even bigger questions.

It was Christmas 1997 and they were spending it in Hammond, Indiana. It was a quaint little town and it was the first time since Truman High that they were staying in one spot. The best part was they were spending the holidays in an actual house. Things felt normal. Well, almost. Their dad had broken a couple of ribs during a hunt and needed some down time so they had rented a small two story home. It had a cozy little living room and a couple of bedrooms. During his time there, Sam had befriended a priest.

_"You look like someone with a job to do."_

_"Huh?" 14 year old Sam asked the man standing in front of him. "I do?"_

_"Well of course. We all have a job to do in this world."_

_"I mean, I do have a lot of homework to do. My brother, Dean, always makes fun of my backpack and says I look like a turtle but-," Sam stopped himself, realizing he was rambling on._

_The priest laughed, good naturedly._

_Sam looked at him skeptically with no idea what was going on._

_"I need some help organizing these boxes for donation."_

_He had been walking home from school, bookbag loaded with reference books he needed for a project he had due. However, he wasn't burdened by the weight. In fact he felt lighter than he had in awhile. He actually would have time to get the project done, present it to the class, and get a grade. It was a Christmas gift in and of itself._

_"Oh," Sam responded, realization dawning on him. "Okay, I guess."_

_Sam walked into the building and took in the scenery, the statues on the wall, and the stained glass windows. He paused at the nativity scene, taking it in. He was captivated. He knew what everything was and who everyone was. He'd learned it from Father Jim._

_Sam followed the priest down some narrow steps. He introduced himself as Father Avery and Sam gave a fairly incomplete story about himself and his family. The priest just nodded his head and they went down to the church basement where there was a smaller chapel. Sam read the sign: Prison Ministry._

_Now that didn't make sense. Church for people in jail? It seemed like an oxymoron to him. Sam also saw pictures on the wall of Father Avery speaking in an actual jail, shaking hands with men and women in prison uniform and giving them communion._

_"Now these are the boxes for the families who have someone who is away or someone who just came back," Father Avery said, gesturing to some boxes._

_"You mean jail?" Sam asked, bluntly._

_"Well, why yes," Father Avery answered, nodding his head. "We have some toys over here and clothing. The families give us a list of what they need and we try to get it to them, within reason. We have a fairly generous congregation."_

_Sam looked at him puzzled._

_"It's really quite simple. We just put the items in the box—"_

_"No it's not that," Sam admitted, cutting him off. "I get what I'm supposed to do but I just don't get why—"_

_"You are supposed to do it," Father Avery finished for him._

_"Yes. I mean, I guess I just don't understand Prison Ministry."_

_"It's something I started several years ago. At first, many people were like you. They didn't get it. I mean why help criminals right? They are bad people aren't they?" He asked, a tiny twinkle in his eye._

_Sam blushed. He didn't really want to admit it but he was thinking that._

_"It's okay," the priest said, jovially. "But you must understand, not everything is black and white. Not everyone is purely good or purely evil. There is always an in between, a dark and light side in us all. Some of our biggest sinners were also our greatest saints."_

_"But what about the really bad people?" Sam questioned. "People that hurt others? Do you help them too?"_

_"Sam Winchester, everyone is worth saving."_

ooooo

"Sam? Sam? You sleeping over there?" Dean asked, jostling his arm.

Sam came back to reality then, realizing Dean was talking to him, or trying to anyway.

"So 'we time' for Christmas then?" Dean said, suddenly, turning down the volume and breaking the silence.

Sam looked at him confusedly.

"Thought we'd take a little break for a few days. Maybe head home to the bunker, grill some of my cheeseburgers and throw back a few beers."

Sam honestly didn't get it. Dean was just so hard to pin down lately. One minute, he was downing junk food and telling him that killing vampires made him feel like himself. The next minute, he had killed a houseful of men singlehandedly. However, if he was willing to take some time away, Sam was all for it. It would mean he'd have a few days to not worry about Dean going overboard on a hunt, or at least worry about him less than he already was. He could also maybe get in a few days of research about getting rid of the Mark of Cain.

"Yeah, sounds good. I guess," Sam replied, fumbling for words.

He stared through the blurry windshield as they drove in relative silence as the rain fell harder, pinging off the roof. There was definitely a storm brewing as thunder rumbled loudly through the air. Sam again remembered his time in Hammond as lightening crashed ahead of them in the sky as if igniting the cinders of his memory. It suddenly seemed so relevant. He had returned to the church several times during their time there, to help Father Avery and to also talk to him. Dean and his father hadn't understood it and Dean had even ribbed him about it but they were so busy doing their own thing that he usually was able to get away a lot. Dean was no longer in school and was "weighing his options" as he put it and was seeing some local girl. Their father was doing his usual research and scouting out their next hunt for when he was better.

Sam enjoyed his conversations with Father Avery and they helped him gain a new perspective and more importantly, gave him hope somehow. However, his time spent with the priest had also pushed his conscience into overdrive. He began to think of all those times when maybe he had considered everything black and white and hadn't focused so much on the in between. Even when he thought of himself, he saw extreme darkness there.

_"What do you think of bullies?" Sam asked Father Avery as they sorted._

_"Bullies?"_

_"What kind of bullies?"_

_"The kind that pick on people and push people around. Do you think they get what they deserve? Like if someone puts them in their place." _

_He had been thinking of Dirk in particular, and if maybe that elated feeling he felt when he finally gave Dirk a piece of his own medicine was really worth it. Had he really changed anything? Barry was probably still lonely and Dirk was now known as 'Dirk the jerk.' Maybe he should have done things differently. Maybe he could have done more._

_"I think there are things we don't know about bullies. I can tell you many stories of those in jail that had hard childhoods. It doesn't excuse what they did, no, but it's something to consider. Many bullies have been bullied themselves."_

Sam came back to the present for a moment to think about this in regards to Claire. She had been through a lot and was now engaging in criminal behavior, clearly acting out. She wasn't a bad person, just lost. Sam wasn't so sure about Randy or the loansharks though and why they did what they did. They didn't seem repentant or willing to change as some of the others did and Father Avery always talked to him about repentance. They certainly weren't like the vampire sheriff who had willingly died to reject his darkside. However, did they get what they deserved or had Dean gone too far, way too far? Sam just wasn't sure but he did know that he needed Dean to talk to him.

The windshield wipers swished across the glass, and the rhythmic motion again brought Sam back to the past once more.

_Sam took this information in, considering Dirk as a person with a background and not just a bully. Sam realized maybe they weren't that different at all. Maybe they both felt like they didn't belong. The more he thought of Dirk, the guiltier he felt. _

_ "Is something wrong Sam?" Father Avery asked, noticing his distress._

_"I guess I never thought of it that way. Before, I mean. A bully was a bully but now…I don't know," Sam shrugged, his face downcast._

_"Well the fact that you are considering it now is the important thing. You know, for future reference," he said, with a wink._

_However, Sam still looked troubled. He felt like an awful person and this just added to the way he perceived himself lately as "wrong" or "off" somehow._

_"We make our own prisons sometimes too, Sam," Father Avery, continued, as if sensing his confliction. "And it's up to us to break free. Guilt and self loathing can build a powerful prison. Never let it prevent you from escaping and taking action."_

_"Father, Father!" A little boy shouted, running towards them and interrupting their conversation._

_"Hello, Manny!" Father Avery said, giving him a big greeting._

_He introduced Manny to Sam who smiled at the kid's enthusiasm for Christmas._

_"There is this bike I really want but papa says that I might not get it. He said things are hard and he doesn't have a job yet. I told him though that Santa will bring it, right?"_

_Sam watched as the priest's face fell in sadness. It was the first time Sam had ever seen the man look worried. Sam listened as he spoke to the boy and sent him on his way._

_"Can he not find a job because he was in jail?" Sam asked._

_"Yes, that's right. Happens a lot, I'm afraid. Most people think ex convicts can't be trusted. However, what these men need is good honest work to help them feel useful again."_

_"But what about the bike?"_

_"Maybe someone will donate a used one or we can find a suitable alternate gift."_

_However, Sam couldn't let go of Manny's face and he wanted to do something, actually make a difference this time. He knew his days in Hammond were numbered just as they were at Truman High. He only hoped he'd have enough time to at least spend Christmas in his home, even if it wasn't truly his. He had been on his way home when he saw the answer to his prayers written in large print on a poster: Christmas Light Decorating Contest! Cash Prizes._

oooo

Lights.

Sam came out of his reverie to see they finally passed the "Welcome to Kansas" sign and had turned on to a darkened side road. Up ahead, Sam's vision was limned by two distorted streaks of orange lights just up ahead. He realized they were the hazard lights of a broken down vehicle. A car was parked with its hood up while a man dialed a cellphone, and a woman who appeared to be very pregnant paced back and forth by the car. She was breathing in and out, looking distraught.

Sam looked at Dean then, hoping he was thinking what he was thinking. They needed to stop and help these people.

"Dean, I think we should stop," Sam said.

"Sam, I don't know if that's a good idea. Could be a trap. You never know."

Sam knew Dean had a right to be skeptical but he didn't think so. He remembered being deceived by Cole but he had a good feeling about this couple.

"I mean, we are almost home Sam. They probably have someone coming to help them out. He has a phone."

Sam shot him a pitiful look.

"Okay, okay," Dean acquiesced. He pulled over behind the couple as they both got out.

The woman looked startled and protectively put her hands around her stomach. The man looked up then, looking nervous himself. He then stood in front of his wife, shielding her.

"Anything we can do to help?" Dean asked.

"I think we have it under control," the man responded, tensely.

"You sure? My brother here is great with cars," Sam said.

"No it's fine. I have a tow truck coming."

Sam and Dean exchanged looks while the man picked up the phone again.

"Damn it!" he cursed. "I can't get reception honey, I'm sorry."

"I thought you said a truck was coming," Sam said, stepping forward.

"Sammy, he said he doesn't need our help," Dean said, grabbing Sam's arm to pull him back.

"Look, I know you're scared of us," Sam continued, brushing Dean away. "For the record, my brother doesn't trust you either."

Dean rolled his eyes.

"I think your wife maybe needs a hospital soon, I'm guessing , and my brother can probably get you up and running. I'm Sam and this is my brother Dean," Sam said, extending a hand.

"Emmanuel," the man said, reluctantly taking it. "That's Kristy, my wife."

Suddenly she let out a shriek and nearly dropped to the ground. Emmanuel ran over to her side, trying to calm her down.

"Remember when we planned this all out? You know the minute I started having contractions, we'd get to the hospital so we wouldn't have to worry about not getting there in time? I guess we should have planned it better," she said, hanging on to the car for dear life. "I think the baby is coming!"

Sam checked his phone too and was disheartened to see he had no reception either. He held it up for Dean to see.

Dean put his head under the roof of the car to have a look but the rain was falling faster now. The wind had also picked up speed and there were more frequent streaks of lightening in the sky.

"Maybe you two should go sit in the car. You're getting drenched," Sam suggested.

"You go honey. I'll try to help Dean," Emmanuel said.

Sam went over to help her and lead her to the car. He helped her to sit in the backseat while he sat next to her. Just then, as he went to pull the car door closed, what sounded like a sonic boom cracked through the air. Sam watched in horror as a pole containing power lines was hit by lightening and began to fall.

"Dean look out!" Sam yelled as he watched Dean move away from the car with Emmanuel in tow. Sam could see they were safe. However, the pole came crashing down on the back of the car shattering the windows, power lines snaking around the vehicle like tentacles. Sam knew that he and Kristy were trapped.

"Sam? Sammy? Are you okay?" Dean asked, anxiously.

"Yes, we're fine," Sam answered. They both had a sprinkling of glass in their hair from the broken glass of the back window but they both appeared to be unscathed. However, Sam could see that Kristy appeared to be in shock.

"Listen, don't move okay. As long as we stay put, we'll be fine. The side door of the car was still ajar and Sam could see that Kristy was eyeing it nervously. If she so much made a move to leave the car, Sam knew she'd be electrocuted. They were literally in an electrically charged vehicle.

"Kristy, don't even think it," Sam said as calmly as possible, as if he was talking someone off a ledge.

"My baby!" Kristy yelled abruptly and she reached forward, lunging across Sam, as if to dive from the car. However, Sam didn't think. He just acted. He pulled her off of him, pushing himself backward to force her back into the car. However, as he struggled to keep her protected, he was exposed. His back leg left the protective cage of the car and his foot stepped right on to the ground. Then he made his fatal error as he grabbed on to the side of the car to prevent himself from falling out, instantly creating the bridge that sent thousands of volts of electricity coursing through his body. Sam felt himself being jolted backward as the powerful surge flowed through his body and then nothing.

oooo

Dean looked on in fear as the pole fell across the car with Sam and Kristy inside. However, they seemed to be okay. He didn't see blood anywhere, at least not from his vantage point but he could see the precarious situation they were in with the power lines strewn over the car. No sooner had he considered what to do next when he saw a struggle taking place in the car. Then he watched in horror as Sam looked like he was ejected from the car, his foot stepping down on the ground. _No, _Dean inwardly screamed as he saw Sam touch the car because he knew the car was a deathtrap. Dean saw Sam's body shiver and shake as the current coursed through him. Then he was thrown backwards, a crumpled heap on the ground.

Dean took off in a sprint, not really caring anymore that there were exposed power lines any longer. He knew Emmanuel was behind him, running full speed too. He saw that none of the lines were actually touching the ground so he would take his chances.

Sam was slumped just near the side of the road where he'd been thrown. Dean could see if he went around the other way that he could avoid the car, get to Sam, and pull him to safety. He knew there was still the potential risk of the ground being electrically charged too but he was willing to take the risk.

Dean ran around the other side of the car and reached for one of Sam's limp hands. He grasped it and pulled him forward towards him. He was careful about avoiding the shattered glass on the ground but the important thing was getting Sam free of danger since he was still within a general vicinity of the car. When he knew he was completely clear, he grasped Sam under the armpits and pulled Sam to the side of the road. Dean noticed immediately that Sam was completely lax, a deadweight. His skin was pale with his hair plastered to his head from the pounding, unrelenting rain.

"Sammy?" He pleaded, tapping his brother on the face. He then felt for a pulse but he knew there would be none.

"Emmanuel!" Dean yelled above the storm. "I need your help! And make sure you don't touch the car!"

Dean could see Emmanuel was standing just away from the car, talking calmly to Kristy who appeared frozen in fear now, not moving an inch. She wasn't even crying out in pain anymore. He imagined watching someone get fried in front of you would do that to a person.

"Emmanuel!" he yelled again.

This time he turned around and came over to his side.

"Is he okay?"

"I need you to help me with CPR. His heart is not beating."

Emmanuel did as he was asked and began pumping on Sam's chest while Dean gave him rescue breaths. However, it was to no avail. Dean knew that if Sam's heart rhythm had been thrown out of whack that he'd need medical intervention.

Emmanuel rocked back on his knees, nervously running his hand through his hair.

"I…I still don't have service," he said, looking down at his phone. "Kristy won't talk to me and the…the baby."

"Then you need to go. The main road isn't far. Flag someone down and see if they can get the power off, get some ambulances here, for Sam and for your wife."

"But I..I think he's…" Emmanuel stuttered.

"Don't think! Go!" Dean yelled, giving him the extra push he needed. Dean could see he was falling apart and he was barely holding it together himself. Someone needed to do something.

Emmanuel took off running as Dean continued to pump on Sam's chest.

"Come on, Sam. Come on!" He pleaded. However, Sam's heart remained still.

He knew what Emmanuel wanted to say. He thought Sam was dead and right now, Dean thought so too.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I hope everyone had a wonderful end to the holiday season and is having a good start to the New Year. Here is the conclusion to this story. I really hope you like it and find it to be satisfactory. Thank you for reading and I hope you will take the time to review :)

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><p><em>Those Christmas lights light up the street<em>_  
><em>_Down where the sea and city meet__  
><em>_May all your troubles soon be gone__  
><em>_Oh, Christmas lights, keep shinin' on_

Dean continued to pump on Sam's chest when he heard soft whimpering from the car. Kristy was still trapped and Dean was torn. He certainly didn't want to leave Sam like that, not when he wasn't…conscious. He inwardly chastised himself for daring to think otherwise before. However, if Kristy made one move to exit the car, she and her unborn baby would be killed.

He stopped giving Sam CPR to run over as close to the car as he could.

"Hurts," Kristy said, puffing out her cheeks and rubbing her belly. "The contractions are getting closer together. I know he's coming but Sam said not to move so I'm trying to keep still. I should have listened to him. Is he—"

"He's fine," Dean lied. "But you need to keep doing what you are doing. Just stay put. Emmanuel went to get them to cut the power and get some help. I need to take care of my brother, okay?"

She nodded her head, continuing her breathing.

Dean went back to Sam, continuing his relentless CPR. He knew it had to be at least 15 minutes since Sam had been electrocuted. He felt cold sweat dripping down his back along with the rain when finally he heard the sound of sirens in the distance. He kept going until they were right at the scene. Emmanuel jumped out of one of the firetrucks.

"The fire station wasn't that far. Can you believe it?" He said, running over. "They are going to cut the power within the next five minutes."

The paramedics rushed over to Sam first because they still couldn't get to Kristy.

"He touched the car," Dean said, quietly. "His heart isn't beating."

Instantly the paramedics hooked Sam up to a heart monitor and grabbed the defibrillator.

"He's in V-Fib," the paramedic said, preparing to shock Sam.

Dean watched as they continuously shocked his brother. Vaguely, in the distance, he heard the sound of something being powered down and then shortly thereafter the cries of a baby. He couldn't believe one life was being brought into this world while another was leaving it.

"Let's load him," the paramedic said grimly. Dean watched as they stabilized Sam's neck and then intubated him but it all seemed like a formality.

Dean knew what this meant. It was protocol. They thought Sam was dead but they would let the hospital make that call.

"I want to ride with my brother," Dean said.

"I'm sorry but you can't. There isn't enough room to work on him."

Dean watched as they hustled Sam on to a stretcher, using the ambu bag to give Sam air while pumping on his chest. The blare of the sirens on the vehicle bursting to life momentarily jarred him and the gleaming red lights blinded his eyes. However, he quickly recovered and ran over to the car.

As he drove, he kept stealing glances next to him as if he'd see Sam sleeping there or sitting pensively deep in thought as he had been lately. However, he knew the seat was empty and he was struck by the thought that Sam might have viewed his own seat as empty with the way he had been keeping silent with him lately. He didn't take time to ruminate on it, however, and followed behind the ambulance, reaching the same speeds as it did. He could make out harried activity through the back of the ambulance window when he drove close enough so he knew they were still working on Sam at least, and trying to get him back.

The ambulance used an alternate entrance into the hospital. Dean was stuck with parking the car and making his way into the hospital on his own. He quickly rushed inside, but realized there was nothing he could do but wait until someone looked for him.

Eventually a perky nurse walked over, seemingly hopped up on caffeine and told him they needed information on "the electrocution." She snapped her gum in his face and he caught a whiff of sour apple that made him turn his head away in repugnance.

Dean held his anger over Sam being referred to simply as what happened to him, as "the electrocution." However, he told her what he could. Finally a grim faced looking doctor appeared before him.

"We got his heart started but it's not looking good. I'll have the nurse take you to see him and update you later," the doctor said, quickly.

Dean bristled over the doctor's brusque attitude. He got that it was Christmas time and this was a busy hospital but he had questions that needed answers. He needed to talk. What were Sam's chances? He knew when he'd been electrocuted by the rawhead that the outlook was bleak.

A nurse came to get him shortly thereafter. He was grateful it wasn't the gum chewer but someone else. She led him to the ICU and into Sam's room.

"I'm sorry Dr. Kurt couldn't give your more information. I'm sure he'll be in soon to speak to you," she said, apologetically.

She jotted some numbers down on a chart from Sam's monitors and left the room.

"Remember what I said about you staying away from wires, don't you?" Dean asked, approaching Sam's bed and attempting a joke. Instead his words came out flat and monotone.

It was all so eerily familiar, down to the bandage on Sam's hand. Although this time, Sam was on a ventilator and not breathing on his own. However, other than that, Sam looked fine, and it was hard to see how deep the injuries actually went.

He couldn't believe this was happening again, at Christmas time no less. This whole thing seemed like a case of déjà vu more than 15 years later. He'd never forget that Christmas in Hammond when Sam was seemingly obsessed with getting their temporary location loaded with lights.

ooooo

_ "Dad, do we have any Christmas lights around here?" Sam asked hopefully._

_Dean could tell even Sam thought it was a stupid question but it didn't hurt to ask._

_"Christmas lights? Why on Earth do you need Christmas lights?" John answered, gruffly._

_Dean watched as Sam rolled his eyes, knowing that would be the response._

_"I want to put some lights up on the house."_

_"Been watching one too many Martha Stewart specials have you?" Dean asked. "Besides we won't be here that long. What do we need to go all out for Christmas for?"_

_"Well it might be nice for once since we are in an actual house. Also, there is this Christmas light decorating contest and it would be cool to win."_

_"Competition, hey Sammy?" Dean grinned. "What's the prize?"_

_"250 dollars," Sam answered, quietly, a bit embarrassed._

_"Money?" Dean questioned, bewildered. "What are you going to do with 250 dollars worth of loot? What do you need with that kind of money?"_

_"There is something I want to get for Christmas," Sam shrugged._

_"Don't tell me you want some stupid toy or something. Aren't you a bit old?"_

_"Dean, I'm 14. I'm not that old. And can we chill with all the questions? It's just important that I win, okay?"_

_"Alright, what's her name?" Dean asked, wagging an eyebrow._

_"It's not a girl, okay!" Sam exclaimed, exasperatedly. _

_"Okay, enough you two," John replied. "Listen to your brother, Sam. We won't be here much longer, maybe not even until Christmas. I'm feeling better so I'm going to find another hunt and then we are done here."_

_"What? But I thought you said we could stay through until Christmas. I wanted to finish the semester here too. Dad, you know this is important to me!"_

_"Watch your tone, son. I said we might be here until Christmas. However, now I'm not so sure."_

_"But dad—"_

_"Enough," John said, putting up his hand as a signal that the conversation was over._

oooo

Dean had watched as Sam was completely shutdown and he immediately felt his own sense of déjà vu over the situation. He didn't have time to analyze why he felt that way though because the doctor entered the room.

"I'm Dr. Kurt," he said, finally introducing himself.

"Dean," he responded with a nod of his head.

Dean waited for the doctor to give him information but he brushed past him and added some medication to Sam's IV drip.

"How is he? You said before that it wasn't looking good," Dean asked, desperate for answers. The doctor's silence was driving him crazy.

"Frankly, the paramedics thought your brother had expired at the scene but they somehow got a rhythm on him just as they pulled up to the doors," he said, at last.

Dean didn't think it was the most tactful way the doctor could start off by explaining Sam's injuries. However, he continued speaking.

"Sam suffered burns on both his hand and foot, point of entry for the current and the exit point. We do have some concerns about how deep the burns are internally and if there is any tissue damage. We can better access that if the patient is conscious by testing how much sensation he has in his fingers and toes."

"What about his heart?" Dean asked, tremulously. "I know a bad shock can ruin someone's heart."

"Do you have experience with electric shock?"

"Yeah a little," Dean admitted.

_Or a lot, _he thought privately.

"That is our biggest concern right now. He is experiencing arrhythmias, which means at times, his heart is beating irregularly. We have had to use cardioversion on him a few times since we were able to get his heart started again."

"So his heart keeps stopping?"

"No, however, with such an irregular rhythm, it's coming dangerously close which is why we want to prevent that from happening. We've had to use the defibrillator on him to get his heart beating normally.

"You mean you are shocking him when he's not…" Dean hesitated, not quite fathoming how if someone had a pulse could get his heart shocked.

"You mean while he still had a heartbeat? Yes, but I can assure you. Your brother is deeply unconscious and most likely is not feeling any pain."

Dean didn't like the words 'most likely' because they weren't definitive and maybe Sam was feeling currents once again coursing through his body. It was an awful thought.

"We have him on antiarrhythmics as well to try to maintain a normal sinus rhythm so we don't have to take such drastic measures," the doctor continued.

"If you watch the heart monitor, you can see abnormalities," the doctor said, pointing.

Dean finally felt like he was being included in Sam's care and he saw what the doctor was referring to in the form of odd spikes on the heart monitor. He also did not hear a steady beep with Sam's heart but instead at times a staccato rhythm.

Suddenly Dean looked at Sam and thought he saw his arm twitch. He looked closer and he saw it again this time in Sam's leg.

"Doc, he's twitching."

"Yes, a side effect of being electrocuted. I should have mentioned that before, sorry. He's experiencing involuntary muscle contractions. We are monitoring for neurological deficits as well. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to check on another patient. I'll be back to check on him later."

Dean watched him retreat out the door. Although he had answered some of his questions, he still had so many more.

He sat down in the chair beside Sam's bed, hearing the often irregular beat of his heart and shuddering himself as he saw Sam's muscles contract on their own.

He didn't know how much time had passed but he noticed sun had splashed across the hospital room. Apparently the rain was over but there wasn't a silver lining in sight as far as Dean was concerned.

Suddenly, there was a light tap on the door and Dean looked up to see an elderly priest standing in the doorway. He really hoped he wasn't going to ask if he could give Sam the Last Rites of the Church. He certainly didn't want to get in a verbal sparring match with a priest.

"Hello Father," Dean said. "You can come in."

The priest entered and took in Sam's condition and frowned.

"How is he?" He asked.

"I don't know. Doctor said his heart is having arry…arrhythmias, I think he called it," Dean said, struggling for the right word. "He had some neurological issues too. Muscle…" Dean's voice dropped off, as he realized he was holding back tears.

"There's always hope," The priest said. "Sam is strong, Dean."

Dean looked at him confused.

"You don't remember me do you? It's me, Father Avery. Unfortunate to meet again at the hospital like this."

"Avery?" Dean questioned.

Of course! The priest from Hammond, the one Sam couldn't stop talking about that year. He had visited Sam in the hospital. Dean couldn't believe he was here after he was just recalling that Christmas but he remembered when he interrogated Sam about him. The Christmas light infatuation wasn't the only odd thing about Sam that year. He was always out and about at the church.

_"Hey what were you doing at the church again earlier?" Dean asked Sam as they sorted through some dirty laundry. "You aren't converting are you?"_

_"I was just…" Sam grunted, stopping short._

_Dean could tell Sam wasn't in the mood._

_"You know how priests are Dean," Sam continued. "Father Avery asked me if I would help out there this season. He saw me walking around and he figures a teenager with nothing to do is in need of saving."_

_Dean smirked._

_"So you caved then?" Dean asked._

_"Yeah I caved. Happy?"_

_"Thrilled," Dean retorted. "Now if you aren't too busy spreading the good news, help me get this stuff washed and folded."_

Sam had made his friendship with the priest seem insignificant then but he could tell that the relationship meant a lot to Sam. He'd never forget the night he was half asleep and Sam had awakened him wanting to share his new insights.

_"I don't know, Dean. I mean dad makes it seem like everything is so straightforward. Good and evil I've just been thinking about Dirk and hurting him."_

_"You mean that little punk who hurt you first? That one? He got what he deserved."_

_Dean watched as his brother's face fell. He tried to turn over in the bed away from him but then turned back, restless._

_ "I mean do you ever wonder if what we are doing is worth it? We travel from place to place, killing the bad guys but then we disappear and…"_

_"And what? They get what they deserve too."_

_"I know Dean but what if there is something more…"_

_"Some people aren't worth saving, Sam. Period."_

_"Everyone is worth saving," Sam whispered._

_He ignored it as Sam turned over this time for good but he'd heard it._

Now it seemed to resonate with him even more, with everything they were going through. Who or what was worth saving? They'd learned so much along the way, like with Lenore and the vampires. She wasn't human but she wasn't evil. Then there were the werewolves too, with Kate and Garth. They had let them go. However, lately everything was so confusing. He wasn't sure Sam knew anymore in regards to himself and as for him? Well, that was complicated to say the least. He knew Sam seemed down and bothered by what happened with Lester but not enough so that he wasn't still trying to pepper him with questions about how _he_ was doing any chance he got. However, Sam didn't hesitate to throw himself in front of Kristy. Did he think he was expendable? He couldn't help but suddenly realize that the fact they didn't know each other's mindsets was his own fault.

"Dean? Dean?" The Father questioned, trying to get his attention.

He realized he had zoned out, lost in thought.

"I do remember you," Dean replied. "Father what are you doing here?"

"They moved me to Kansas to continue my ministry. I'm visiting someone else you know, Manny. "Funny how the Lord works in mysterious ways."

"You mean Emmanuel?" Dean asked, incredulously.

"Yes, hard to get away from his childhood nickname. His wife just gave birth and they are incredibly thankful to you and Sam. Emmanuel had no idea that Sam was the boy he met all those years ago," The priest continued as he approached Sam's bed. He placed his hand on Sam's forehead and quietly whispered a prayer for him. Dean could tell that although this man prayed for everyone, this prayer was special for Sam.

"Emmanuel told me what happened, how Sam saved Kristy," Father Avery continued, walking over to him. "He asked if I'd come in here and see if it was really Sam. He wanted to know how he was doing too."

Dean just nodded his head.

"I'd recognize you two anywhere. You've hardly changed a bit, although Sam is substantially taller than I remember," the priest continued, attempting to fill the silence.

Dean didn't respond.

"I wasn't surprised at all when Manny told me what Sam did. He liked to put others first, even as a young man, an admirable quality. He was a faithful boy and apparently he still is. Takes a lot of faith to put yourself in harm's way like that."

"I guess," Dean replied. He wasn't so sure Sam had faith anymore. How could he?"

It's wonderful to see the bond you both still have," Father Avery continued. "You practically finished each other's sentences before."

"Yeah," Dean said, but his words weren't sincere.

Suddenly he felt very uncomfortable, like the priest was striking a nerve. He knew it wasn't like that anymore. Now instead of finishing sentences, he was cutting Sam's off.

"I have to go check on Manny's son. He unfortunately is being monitored now in the NICU. He had some problems breathing. Doctors aren't sure if it was the stress of the birth or something else. I'll be back to see how Sam is doing later, okay?" Father Avery said, finally.

Dean just nodded again, almost grateful the priest was leaving, but then again not. Now he'd be alone with his thoughts again, alone with his revelations. He decided to get up then and grab himself a cup of coffee. He walked out into the hallway. Dean looked over at a Christmas tree in the corner and actually smiled this time as memories flooded him once again.

_"Where on Earth did you get that?"_

_"I helped the guy out at the Christmas Tree Lot. He told me that he'd pay me but I told him all I wanted in return was a tree for our house. I think he thought he hit the lottery in the sucker department or something," Sam laughed, flashing his dimples._

_"A tree now too?"_

_"Of course! You can't adorn your house with thousands of lights and not have a tree in the window too."_

_"Adorn huh?" Dean said, mocking him._

_"What? Don't know what it means, do you?"_

_"Oh I know what it means Sammy."_

_"Sure you do," Sam said, sarcastically as he picked up a box of lights to begin wrapping the tree. "So are you going to help me or what?"_

_ "Help you how?"_

_"Decorate the tree."_

_"Gee, I'm not sure Sam. I don't know if I can properly adorn it."_

_"So you do know what it means. Color me impressed."_

_Dean flipped Sam the bird and Sam snickered._

_Then they set to work, filling the tree with lights, garland, and ornaments. He made a big show about acting like he was put out but truthfully, he was having fun. However, he wasn't going to let Sam know that. He even popped some popcorn and they spent over an hour threading it into a garland for the tree, while also eating some and throwing it at each other. Once they were finished, they plugged in the lights and flicked the switch to darken the living room._

_"Looks great!" Sam exclaimed. "I think you have a real knack for this. You sure you weren't the one watching those Martha Stewart specials?" Sam teased._

_Dean tried to think of a comeback but then Sam surprised him. _

_"But seriously, Dean. Thank you," Sam said, pulling him into a quick hug. "You really did a good job."_

_Dean didn't know how to react to Sam's sudden display of affection._

_"Well someone had to put the ornaments and the star on top. Otherwise you'd have a seriously weird looking tree," Dean said, ruffling Sam's hair._

_"One day Dean, you'll see. I'm going to be taller than you and I'll never let you forget it."_

_"Dream on, geekboy."_

He responded like that a lot, coming up with a joke or a way to divert attention whenever anything emotional came up. Lately the car radio was his lifeline because Sam was always looking to talk. And what was he looking to do? Drown him out. Suddenly the guilt and fear inside intertwined into an insidious partnership, conspiring against him and stealing his breath. Maybe if he'd just opened up to Sam before, things could be different. He'd let Sam down and ironically he'd done the same thing that Christmas with the same result: Sam got hurt.

_"But Dean, you promised!" Sam whined._

_"I know, but that was before Patrice invited me to this party. I'll help you when I get home okay?" He'd promised Sam he would help him put the finishing touches on his display and add lights higher up in the places Sam couldn't reach._

_"It will be too late by then. The judging is tomorrow."_

_"We'll get it done, okay?" He said, as he hurried out the door. "Don't go doing anything while I'm gone."_

_He'd had a good time at the party and he was in such a good mood that he was ill prepared for the sight that greeted him when he got home._

_There were sirens illuminating the property with police cars and firetrucks casting a garish glow across the scene. He'd jumped out, his heart thundering in his chest._

_"What's going on?" He asked the nearest police officer._

_"Who are you?"_

_"I live here."_

_"You related to the kid who lives here?"_

_"Do you mean, Sam? My brother?"_

_"There was a kid about 14 on the roof fixing some lights. There was a short circuit and he fell off the roof Neighbor found him. "_

_"Is he okay?"_

_"I'm just here to take the report," the police officer said, shrugging. "They took him to the hospital."_

_"What hospital?" Dean asked, on the verge of grabbing the police officer by his lapels to get more information out of him._

_"Community Medical Center but—"_

_Dean didn't give him a chance to finish. He was off, skidding down the icy highway to the hospital. He got there in minutes and ran up to the front desk. _

_"My brother was just brought here. He fell off the roof."_

_She rose from her chair and looked right and left as if searching someone else out._

_"Are your parents here?" She asked in a condescending tone._

_"My dad's out of town. I'm 18," Dean told her._

_She looked perturbed but told him to 'sit tight' and someone would be there to speak with him soon._

_He sat there, nervously clutching the amulet hanging from the rope around his neck, waiting for word. The guilt just didn't wash over him, it burrowed deep inside him, setting up permanent residence. He should have been there. He'd promised Sam. It was his fault Sam was hurt._

_"Winchester?"_

_Dean jumped at the sound of his name. He rushed over to the doctor who was calling it._

_"I'm Dr. McCabe," the doctor said, extending his hand. "I'm the pediatrician on call."_

_"Is my brother okay?" Dean asked, desperately._

_"The shock he received from the frayed extension cord was relatively minor so we don't believe there is any permanent damage to his heart. However, he did hit his head when he fell from the roof. So far we don't see any swelling in his brain which is a good sign. He also miraculously didn't suffer any broken bones."_

_"So he's okay then?" Dean asked, hopefully._

_The doctor looked pensive then as if debating if he should tell someone so young this._

_"You sure you can't reach your dad?"_

_Dean shook his head feeling his stomach roll uncomfortably. Their dad had found a local hunt, too antsy to sit tight for awhile, and he wasn't answering his phone._

_"Right now your brother is unconscious and we are having trouble rousing him. We are hoping he'll wake up on his own. This could just be the concussion and trauma over what happened or it could be something else. Right now we are waiting on him but if this continues indefinitely, we'll have to run more tests."_

_Dean just nodded his head, wondering if Sam was in some kind of coma._

_The doctor led him down the hall to the pediatric unit. Dean was aghast when he saw a clown mural painted on one of the walls. For a moment he wondered if Sam had a heart attack when he saw it. However, then he remembered that Sam never did see it because he wasn't conscious._

_He walked into Sam's hospital room. It was a room for two people but currently, Sam was the only occupant. He was propped up on the bed pillows, looking impossibly small in the large hospital bed. There was a small bandage on his hand from where it must have come in contact with the wire. Other than that there wasn't a scratch on him, not a hair out of place and he knew Sam had trouble keeping his unruly mop in check on any given day. He looked perfect, angelic even, if he believed in that sort of thing._

_"Dinosaurs? Huh Sammy?" Dean stated as he noticed the hospital gown Sam was wearing._

_He sat there almost waiting for a response, for his kid brother to call him on it, some clever retort. He wanted Sam to school him and tell him that they weren't dinosaurs at all but some creature from the Mesozoic era or some such nonsense that he could care less about. He wanted Sam to tell him "it's Sam" for the thousandth time but he was just met with silence. It was no fun picking on his brother if he didn't join in. All I could hear was the beeping of the heart monitor and Sam's quiet breathing._

_"You just had to be stubborn didn't you? I told you to wait for me," Dean began as he sat down next to Sam's hospital bed. "Just don't be stubborn about waking up, okay? I know you like to do things on your own time but this is ridiculous."_

_He knew he was avoiding what he wanted to say and the guilt was eating him alive._

_"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, Sam," he said, finally. "I messed up and I'm sure dad is going to rip me a new one when he finds out so unless you want me to really get it, I'd wake up really soon."_

_He looked at Sam's face but there was no change._

_He looked at Sam like that for what seemed like an eternity but was really just a few short hours when Sam's eyelids had fluttered open._

_"Hey bitch," he said._

_"Jerk," Sam responded._

_It was all the confirmation he needed to know Sam was okay._

ooooo

Dean returned to Sam's room then, still remembering the relief he felt that day when Sam woke up. Father Avery had met them at the hospital not soon after when he heard what happened and talked to them, keeping them company until their dad showed up. He'd never forget Sam's face either when he took him for a spin outside in the halls in a wheelchair to check out the "cool mural" he discovered.

_"Are you really trying to kill me?" Sam yelled._

It was priceless. Dean almost smiled again, but caught himself when he looked over at Sam's face. His face was blank and unresponsive.

He wished history would repeat itself and Sam would wake up like before. Maybe he'd take him outside to see the tree and finally let him get a word in edgewise.

"Hey can I come in?" Someone asked, interrupting his thoughts.

Dean looked up this time to see Emmanuel himself walk through the door.

"I'm sorry I sent in Father Avery earlier. I hope it was okay."

Dean just nodded, his hands folded with his chin resting on them as he continued to watch Sam.

"I just had to know if he was the same Sam from when I was a kid. It was so crazed at the accident scene that it didn't really click for me until after."

Dean didn't say anything, just watched the heart monitors for the abnormalities the doctor had pointed out before, a spike there, a peak there.

"How's the baby?" Dean asked, offhandedly.

"Doing better actually. They think he's going to be okay. Thanks for asking."

Dean didn't say anything. He couldn't deny that a part of him felt angry, angry that they'd even stopped at all. If they would have just kept driving, then they wouldn't be here. A small part of him was even upset with Sam for placing himself in front of Kristy.

"He….uh…fixed my car once," Emmanuel stammered. "When I was young, he came over to my house. I had this remote control car that I had for years. I didn't have much so it really upset me when it broke, but Sam here took it apart and got it working good as new. He said he learned everything from his big brother, Dean. That's how I knew it had to be Sam. As soon as I thought of your name, Dean, I knew it just had to be."

Dean felt tears threaten but held himself together. Sam was always like that, always talking him up to other people. He didn't deserve it then and certainly not now.

"Then he did these magic tricks. It was pretty cool," Emmanuel blathered on.

However, this time Dean felt a smile tug at his lips. This was his Sam too, forever a geekboy believing in magic, the impossible. Did Sam still have faith, still believe in God he wondered as Father Avery suggested? Somehow he thought so. Just because he had "left the building" or so they heard, he'd bet Sam still believed. Dean understood that for some seeing was believing but not for Sam. He knew that even though Sam wasn't seeing the usual side of his brother didn't mean that deep down he didn't believe he was still in there.

"I really hope Sam's going to be okay. I'll be back later," Emmanuel said, before leaving.

Dean watched him leave like Father Avery. Each visitor had been a reminder of just what a special person Sam was. Dean knew that more than anyone, yet he'd been slowly pushing Sam away so much so that he bet Sam didn't feel very special at all.

oooo

Dean had watched as his brother twitched nearly nonstop for the past few days but this time he was sure that he saw Sam's eyelids flutter. He waited on baited breath and sure enough, Sam's eyes opened.

"Sam?" He questioned as he got out of his chair.

Sam just looked at him, barely blinking. He wasn't even fighting the vent which concerned him. Sam looked at him dazedly and then his eyes began to drift closed.

"Sam? Come on, Sam. Sleepy time is over, okay?" He said, giving his brother's arm a shake. He got up and clicked the button by Sam's bed to alert the doctor that Sam had woken up. The nurse came in and then fetched the doctor who let him stay in the room while he checked Sam.

Dean watched anxiously as he listened to Sam's lungs and tried to wake him back up himself. Sam grunted through the vent as if he wanted to go back to sleep which he hoped was a good sign.

"How is he?" Dean asked, when the doctor was finished.

"Hard to say until he's completely coherent. I do think we will keep him on the ventilator a bit longer though."

Dean's heart sunk. He thought the fact that Sam opened his eyes was a step in the right direction but now he wondered if he was even getting better at all. The doctor left him alone with Sam again and he watched him intently, hoping he'd see Sam open his eyes again. After a few hours, he was rewarded when Sam's eyes fluttered open.

"Hey," Dean said, looking at Sam. However, Sam didn't turn his head, just kept looking straight ahead. Dean put himself directly in Sam's line of vision but Sam seemed to be looking right through him.

Alarmed, Dean called for the doctor again. Sam stayed awake for the doctor this time who performed some basic neurological tests. Dean stood there nervously chewing his lip, his arms crossed over his chest, shifting from foot to foot.

"We are going to increase his pain medication,' the doctor said, when he was finished.

"Pain medication?" Dean questioned.

"Yes, Sam is definitely groggy," the doctor said. "I'm not sure why but I think part of it has to do with the level of pain he's in."

"But you said that he wasn't feeling anything when you shocked him before."

"Yes, because Sam was in a deeper state of unconsciousness. Now he's coming around and the pain is clouding his mind."

"Why is he in so much pain?"

"Well if you can imagine having all your muscles contract powerfully at the same time, it's like a cramp magnified times a thousand."

Actually he could imagine. He'd been in pain that time he was electrocuted but the fact the doctor said he was dying sort of put that in the back of his mind. Also, he imagined Sam had been hit by more volts, and had experienced more shocks when the doctor had to use the defibrillator on him.

After the doctor administered the medication, Dean kept up his vigil once again. This time Sam didn't open his eyes and he figured it was due to the pain medication. With Sam's low level of consciousness, he was surprised when the doctor suggested removing the ventilator the next day.

"You think that's a good idea when he's barely awake?"

"The medicine is making him rest which isn't a bad thing but we'd like to see how he does."

Dean was led out of the room this time but was relieved when he returned to see Sam propped up on the bed pillows with just an oxygen mask affixed to his face. The doctor did agree that it was a positive sign that Sam was breathing on his own. Dean hoped that this meant Sam's brain was in working order after being without a heartbeat so long.

Dean had barely settled himself back in the chair when he heard the irregular beating of the heart monitor. Dean could sense that the rhythm on the heart monitor wasn't normal but Sam was awake again, looking at him with a blank stare. However, the doctor burst in and began talking to Sam.

"Your heart is beating irregularly. We need to sedate you to get it back to normal."

"But he just woke up," Dean interjected.

The doctor ignored him while Dean looked at Sam's eyes and did not see comprehension there. In fact, he thought he saw a bit of fear.

"Hey," Dean interceded. "I don't think he gets what you're doing and neither do I. Let me talk to him. Do you think he should be kept in the dark?"

Sam had been kept in the dark enough lately and Dean knew it. The last thing he wanted was more of the same for his brother.

"We need to give him a sedative in order to do cardioversion on him," the doctor explained. "There isn't time."

Dean felt his own heart flutter uncomfortably.

"Is it absolutely necessary?" He asked.

"Yes, his rhythm is erratic. The last thing we want is him coding."

Dean just nodded his head as he watched the doctor produce a syringe. He plunged it into Sam's IV and Dean saw Sam's eyes roll back in his head. The doctor then pulled out the defibrillator and shocked Sam. Dean flinched as Sam slightly arched off the bed. Dean was hoping that would be the extent of it. It looked brutal as it was but then the doctor did it again.

"Normal sinus," the nurse exclaimed.

Dean breathed a sigh of relief but then felt his own heart accelerate when he saw Sam was awake again and looking positively disoriented.

He brushed past the doctors even before they could take the protective pads they placed on Sam's chest off of him.

"Sammy?"

Sam's eyes appeared to be bouncing around in his head as if he was trying to focus on something but couldn't quite do it.

"Sammy?" Dean said again, grabbing Sam by the shoulders and lifting him off the bed.

Sam couldn't even hold up his head as it flopped to the side.

Dean felt the doctor pulling him off of his brother.

"What's wrong with him?" Dean shrieked. "What did you do to him?"

"Dean, you need to calm down. We have to check him, okay? Why don't you go wait outside?"

Dean shook his head firmly.

"No! Why is he acting like that? Is it the drugs?"

"I'll know more if you go wait outside so I can check him," the doctor said.

Dean could tell the doctor was on the verge of losing his own temper but holding it just for the sake of him.

Dean turned on his heel then and left the room, rushing down the hallway, with no clear destination in mind. He was barely paying attention to where he was going and almost ran straight into Father Avery.

"Dean is everything alright?" He asked, concernedly.

Dean put his head down as tears threatened. He could barely show his emotions to his brother and here he was about to break down with a practical stranger.

"Come in here," Father Avery said, pulling him forward into the chapel.

He led Dean to the pews and had him sit down. He left briefly for a moment and then came back, handing him a glass of water.

Dean took it and guzzled it down, not realizing how dry his throat was.

"Is Sam okay?" Father Avery asked, when he thought Dean had a handle on himself.

"I don't know. They had to shock him again and then after, he just seemed out of it."

"Is the doctor with him?"

Dean nodded.

"Well let him do his job."

"It's my job to take care of Sam, always has been. Not his," Dean asserted.

"I understand. I'm a brother too."

Dean looked at him in shock.

"What? Did you think I was born wearing this priest collar? That I never had a family?" He said, half jokingly.

"I guess I just didn't give it much thought," Dean admitted.

"Do you remember what I told you that day when Sam was in the hospital all those years ago?"

"I'm sorry but not at all," Dean said, scrubbing his hands over his eyes. He remembered the priest had talked to him but not a word of what was said.

"You know, Sam asked me to talk to you. He had just woken up and he was worried about you."

"Worried about me? Sounds like Sam."

"Well he knew you were feeling very guilty about his fall and he wanted you to feel better. I think you are feeling very guilty now."

"You don't know the half of it," Dean admitted.

"You shouldn't feel guilty."

"With all due respect Father, you don't know what I've done and what I have to feel guilty for."

"That day I told you about some of the prisoners I dealt with," Father Avery continued, ignoring Dean's attitude. "I said that the ones who did the worst possible crimes were the most faithful."

"I don't have a lot of faith," Dean admitted.

"Maybe so, but do you know why they were the most faithful?"

"Scared to meet their maker?" Dean suggested, reasonably.

"No, because it takes extreme faith to believe not only that God has forgiven you, but it also takes even more faith to find it within you to forgive yourself."

Dean let the words sink in for a minute, remembering them from before now vividly, but really absorbing them now.

"It's one thing to have someone else forgive you but it's another to forgive yourself," Father Avery finished.

"But Father, I—"

"You know who you remind me of?" Father Avery said, interrupting him. "Sam. He was such a remarkable young man. Your family was in town just a few short weeks but he left a lasting impression on me. I sensed in him a profound sense of guilt and he told me he felt bad for a lot of things."

"About what?" Dean asked. He couldn't imagine what his 14 year old brother had to feel so guilty about, but then again, he guessed he could.

"Well confessions are confidential you know, but he told me about his fears of the darkness out there and also…within," the priest hesitated, as if searching for the right word. "Then he asked what he should do about it."

"What did you tell him?" Dean asked, genuinely interested.

"I told him to pray."

Dean nearly scoffed.

"I'm not really the praying kind."

"I can see that based on your reaction."

"But Sam? I think he is," Dean continued. "I know he used to be, but now? I don't know."

"Well sometimes, if you don't want to pray, it's important to put your faith in someone else, to have someone to talk to. Sometimes God works best through other people."

Dean just nodded, feeling like this priest had picked his brain pretty accurately.

"I think you probably have someone like that in your life. Am I right?" He said with a wink.

Dean smiled. Of course he did, but was he going to have the chance to talk to him again? Was he going to have the opportunity to tell Sam he was sorry that he'd been slamming the door in his face? Did he even really want Sam to know the way he felt about killing those loansharks? That yeah it was self defense but at the same time, he'd enjoyed it, just a bit too much and that chilled him to his very soul? Would Sam see him differently?

"I can see you're troubled and you don't have to tell me what else is bothering you, but another thing I told Sam to do is focus on the good. No matter what bad he may have done, he also has done great good. I know that firsthand with how he got Manny that bike that Christmas."

"Bike?" Dean asked, sincerely confused.

"You mean he never told you?"

Dean shook his head.

"Father, can I ask you something?" Dean asked suddenly, remembering. "When Sam woke up after his fall off the roof, he asked me to leave because he wanted to talk to you. Is that what he told you? To get Manny the bike?"

"He told me that he knew your dad would think it was time to hit the road, that he had to travel a lot for business so he wrote me a note. It had all the directions for how to get your house lit up properly for the judging. I'll tell you it wasn't easy. Sam was a pretty tech savvy kid. He had blinking lights that went in sync with each other. It was a sight to behold," the priest said laughing.

"I wish Sam could have seen it," Dean said, ruefully.

They had left town the minute Sam was released from the hospital. The doctors had started asking questions about why Sam was up on the roof alone and John wasn't going to stand for it. Sam never even got to go back to the house. Sam had been quiet in the car as John lectured them both. Then they left town and they'd spent Christmas in a Motel 6, their Christmas lights and tree left behind.

"Too bad he didn't win," Dean continued.

"Didn't win?" The priest laughed loudly. "Why of course he did!"

"He did?"

"How else do you think he got the bike?"

"I thought with all the odd jobs he'd been doing that he'd maybe saved up or something."

"No, we weren't able to give Sam much in the way of money so he worked for lights and decorations. We had some things around the church that we weren't using. He also shoveled driveways for some of the elderly families and they in turn gave him lights and decorations that they could no longer put up anymore due to their age. Any money he made, as small as it was, he donated to my ministry. He gave me that note because he was so confident that he would win that he made sure to give me directions on what to do with the prize money. He gave it to Manny's family."

"Of course he did," Dean said proudly. He wasn't surprised that Sam would do that. He was a little surprised Sam never told him, and a little upset. However, at the same time, he felt ashamed because he had a sinking feeling why Sam didn't tell him.

"Well why don't we see if we can rustle up a doctor and see how Sam is doing?" Father Avery suggested.

They found the doctor leaving Sam's room and Dean wondered why they were in there so long.

"How is he doctor," Father Avery asked.

"I still believe he's in an immense amount of pain which is why he's so disoriented. Also, cardioversion takes a lot out of a person. He's exhausted. I think you just need to give him time. We are going to take him for an echocardiogram to check on the condition of his heart and an MRI to check his brain. Sometimes these procedures can cause blood clots to form and travel to the brain. I don't believe Sam has suffered any kind of stroke but we want to be cautious."

Dean watched as they wheeled Sam out of his hospital room. He still had on the oxygen mask but his eyes were closed and he looked much more relaxed.

"You can wait in Sam's room if you'd like," Dr. Kurt told him, before following behind Sam's stretcher.

"I can see patience isn't one of your strongsuits either," Father Avery said good naturedly.

"Well this doctor didn't even tell me all this. I just want to know if Sam is going to be okay or if he's even going to be the same Sam I knew before."

"Try to have faith Dean, believe in Sam," he said, simply, patting Dean on the arm. "I'm going to see how the baby is doing but I'll be back later."

Dean returned to Sam's hospital room, crushed by the silence. At least before he had the sound of the heart monitor to keep him company, the indicator that Sam's heart was still beating, no matter how irregular it might have been. Now he had nothing. He stared at the walls, noticing just how alone he felt, how he'd been sitting in this hospital with his brother for the last 5 days and no matter how many times he talked to Sam, he'd gotten no response. His thoughts and emotions simply bounced off the empty walls, coming back as a cruel echo taunting him.

_Must be the way Sam felt, _he thought. Sam had been trying to get through to him but it must have seemed the same way as if he talking to the wall, and he was, the brick one he had put up around himself, sealed with heavy wet cement. The worst part was that he knew he was shutting Sam out and he didn't care. Killing those guys made him feel horrible but knowing he'd totally rejected his brother is what made him feel like the true monster.

Just then, Sam's hospital room door opened and they wheeled him in. He didn't look any worse for wear and he just hoped his insides reflected his outside.

The nurses got Sam settled while the doctor approached him.

"Unbelieveably, Sam's heart looks much better than I thought it would given what he's endured," the doctor began. "The MRI was also normal."

"But what about these arrhythmias?"

"I am hoping we can find the right medication and they will fade with time. Sam's body endured tremendous trauma and we just need to let him heal."

oooo

Two days later, Dean was rewarded when Sam opened his eyes and stared directly at him, making eye contact. They had removed the oxygen mask and hadn't had to perform any cardioversion on him. They were using medications which controlled the episodes for the most part. Sam was also still experiencing muscle contractions, although they had dissipated somewhat.

"Hey," Dean said, simply.

"Hey," Sam croaked out, his voice wavering, weak from disuse.

Dean reached over and got Sam some water. He held out the straw as Sam took slow sips.

He held back his urge to jump for joy that Sam seemed completely with it now and was following directions.

"You remember what happened?" Dean asked.

"Yeah," Sam managed. "Hurts everywhere."

Dean fetched the doctor again but Sam refused any strong painkiller. He didn't want to be knocked unconscious again once he discovered he'd been out of it for a week. The doctor believed Sam was well on the road to recovery and even concluded that Sam's burns weren't as severe as he feared.

Once Father Avery and Emmanuel had heard that Sam was recovering, they asked Dean if they could surprise him.

"What's this?" Sam asked when he saw Father Avery, Emmanuel and Kristy standing in his room. "Father Avery what are you doing here?" Sam asked, instantly recognizing the priest.

"Well we were having so much trouble getting your ass up, we decided to have a little game of 'this is your life Sam Winchester' to see if that would do the trick."

Father Avery gave him a stern look and Dean glanced down in embarrassment.

"Sorry Father," Dean said, sheepishly. "Getting your butt up, that is."

Sam actually chuckled.

They explained to Sam about Emmanuel being 'Manny' from when they were just kids and that Father Avery happened to be at the hospital visiting.

"I see your up to your old tricks again, Sam. Saving the world huh?" Emmanuel asked.

"Not really," Sam said, honestly.

Dean saw his brother blush and he felt his pain. He knew they needed to talk as soon as Sam was out of here.

"We just wanted to let you know that we decided to name the baby Avery Samuel is that's okay with you?" Kristy asked, clutching the baby in her arms. She and the baby had been released from the hospital and she was positively glowing with happiness.

"We thought of throwing Emmanuel into it too but thought it might sound a little weird," Emmanuel said with a laugh. "Hope you don't mind. Thanks for saving my wife and son's life and for the bike too."

"The bike was Santa Claus," Sam said, laughing. "I had nothing to do with it."

"Well thanks Santa," Emmanuel said, winking, thanking Sam again.

They said their goodbyes but Father Avery handed Dean a small box.

"Give this to Sam. He'll know what it's for."

oooo

A couple days later on Christmas Eve, Dean managed to talk the doctor into sending Sam home for Christmas to recuperate. He'd have to continue taking the anti arrhythmics for the near future since his heart still beat irregularly at times and he'd also been given a prescription for pain killers and muscle relaxants to help with the muscle pain that still plagued him. It was a small price to pay to have Sam coming home with him. Before leaving, Dean told Sam he had to make a quick trip home to prepare for Sam's homecoming. Sam looked completely perplexed but Dean knew what he was doing.

When Dean returned to the hospital, Sam was up and about, dressed and waiting. He walked gingerly but he looked better than he had in awhile and was eager to get out of there.

When they arrived home and Sam ascended the stairs into the bunker, he gasped in shock. There were lights everywhere, hanging around the banisters leading to the upstairs and also draped over the bookshelves. Best of all, there was a huge Christmas tree in the corner of the room, decorated with actual ornaments this time.

"You even adorned the bookshelves huh?"

"Yup, I learned from the best," Dean said laughing. "You never got to enjoy the display from when we were kids so I thought why not now?"

"And you're sure you never watched one Martha Stewart special? I mean I don't know Dean," Sam said laughing. "How did you do this?"

"Santa's helper never gives away his secrets," Dean said with a wink.

"Seriously Dean, thank you," Sam said finally, pulling Dean into a hug, all too reminiscent of that Christmas long ago. However, this time, Dean returned it graciously, so happy to have his brother alive.

"I have something for you," Dean said, producing a small box. "Father Avery told me to give it to you."

Sam took the box and opened it to find a St. Jude medal inside.

"St. Jude," Sam said, simply. "The patron saint of impossible causes."

Dean got silent for a minute.

"I think I know why he gave you that."

"What do you mean Dean?"

"He probably could tell I'm tainted, man. Sense it or something. He's a priest."

"Dean you aren't tainted."

"Sam, I'm not worth saving."

"Dean, everyone is worth saving. Father Avery always taught me that and I never forgot it. You can't shut me out like this Dean. Don't you think if anyone knows what it's like to feel tainted, beyond redemption, it's me? You need to talk to me. "

"I know I haven't really been talking much."

"Much?" Sam replied. "You've been shutting me out completely," Sam said, sadly. "I think you have your own mixtape for every conversation you don't want to have," Sam said, half jokingly. "Or some witty sarcastic comment."

"Is that why you never told me about Manny and the bike?"

"Yeah I thought you'd make fun of me or just not understand why it was so important to me. I don't want to lose you Dean," Sam admitted, casting his eyes down but Dean thought he saw Sam's eyes glistening.

"Well I don't want to lose you either," Dean said. "What were you thinking stepping in front of her like that?"

"Kristy was worth saving too Dean. So was her son. I've been feeling guilty too Dean, I have. However, the one thing that always got me through even my darkest times was you. You never gave up on me."

"But Sam, I enjoyed killing those men. I lost control completely."

Sam looked at him then but not how Dean thought he would. Instead of disgust, Dean saw relief.

"Thank you for being honest with me Dean. "

"But don't you see me differently now?"

"Never," Sam said, resolutely. "You never looked at me as anything else. All I see when I look it you is my big brother and he never gives up. We'll get rid of that mark. We'll figure it out, just like we always do," Sam said, echoing Dean's words. "Here I want you to have this," Sam said, handing over the medal.

"Sam, it's yours."

"No, take it. Father Avery gave it to me because he believes in the impossible. I believe we can get through this. I want you to believe it too."

Dean slipped it over his head, suddenly reminded of yet another Christmas many years ago when they were kids.

"Thanks, Sammy," Dean said, tears threatening. He saw that Sam looked misty eyed again too.

"Now you know what that tree needs? Popcorn," Sam said, lightening the mood.

"I'll go get it ready and you know, make some extra in case we need it."

"Perfect," Sam said. He walked around, admiring the lights. Dean had really done an excellent job and the place felt like home.

"Hey Dean, I think I see a bulb out here. Should I fix it?"

"Dude, don't you dare touch anything electrical!" Dean yelled, rushing over.

"Too soon for that joke, huh?" Sam laughed.

"Way too soon. I'm serious. I don't even want you making toast," Dean said, rushing over and directing him to a chair.

"On second thought, you really are impossible," Sam snickered.

Dean returned then with his freshly popped popcorn and promptly began throwing it at Sam. Sam returned fire and they laughed longer than they had in awhile while the Christmas lights danced around them, reflecting bright in their hopeful eyes.

The End


End file.
